We are familiar with the “why me” moments? I reference this often because it is a recurring subject in the lives of people with chronic illness. As a little girl I’d ask my parents why my heart is sick, and as an adult, I still ask why have I had to bear so many obstacles. When I received my MS diagnosis I queried again, “Why?” I pondered what I could have done to warrant these illnesses, knowing that they are not reflective or retributive of my actions. I acknowledge these thoughts are of the flesh and of course, I am made of flesh.
I had a situation occur a few days ago that rocked me to my core. I was walking up the stairs on my way to an event and I fell. I couldn’t believe it! It felt as though my leg just gave out. The fall frightened me, and it sent me for a ride aboard the “why me” train. I cried for more than one reason. The fall physically hurt, it wounded my pride, it was unexpected, and thoughts of the future surfaced. I wondered if that was a premonition of what’s to come. Thoughts of ambulatory issues, giving up my “high heels,” and the possibility of disease progression flooded my mind.
The shoes may sound trivial, but most people who have had something taken away from them will identify with the thought process, even if the object is different. I enjoy shoes, and the fact that I can still walk in them indicates some disease stability. Falling brought all of that into question. I closed my eyes hoping that nothing else would be taken from me at this time. I composed myself and went on with the day, laughing and smiling on the outside, while crying profusely within.
The day after I fell, my local heart walk was held. I had the support of my family and friends, and my soul was overjoyed. The day was a temporary respite from all of the anxiety I have been experiencing. Silently, I wondered if I should even walk. I was in pain and did not want yesterday to repeat itself. Pushing aside my fear, I walked with my team and made it to the finish line. I felt accomplished because this was another small battle won.